Blog - 10 Be not afraid

“When tempted, invoke your angel. He is more eager to help you than you are to be helped! Ignore the devil and do not be afraid of him: He trembles and flees at the sight of your guardian angel.”

- St John Bosco

‘The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.’ 
– Haldir, J.R.R. Tolkien 

      I am currently in a chair doing the R in EPOC-R which is a biological.  I enjoy the Benadryl drip most of all because of the deeply desired sleep.  Later will be my first of six lumbar punctures to withdraw spinal fluid for testing and the administering of chemo in the spinal cord canal. I was discharged from the hospital for these two procedures because the insurance coverage is out patient only.  

      The first round of chemo was inpatient because of the needed observations and testing required for this first round of EPOC-R. This chemo plan has the intensity increasing as I go alone based on my tolerance of the chemotherapy.  So far the side effects are limited to anxiety and insomnia.  Mental anguish and fatigue are the physical and mental side effects so far.  However, the results and side effects will be sneaking in after I am home next week.  While I had time during the day, I started a routine of walking the halls with my IV pole.  Gabe just finished marching band at LSU which was a proud moment for me to watch him march down Victory Hill at all of the home games.  So, I walked during my  treatment this week visualizing myself walking my own Victory Hill.  The Golden Band from Tigerland was my inspiration to pull me from my hospital bed and walk, pushing my IV pole that I nicknamed " T- Mike."  "Little" MIKE was an acronym for Mindful In Kindness Experience.  So this is my own personal season. LSU vs Cancer.  I am currently in my self proclaimed  Pregame.  I daily walked the halls on my floor to the LSU Pregame program.

       I learned that treatment plans are as diverse as the types of cancers.  It took two people to access my port which will become a constant theme going forward.  Doxorubicin, Vincristine, and Etoposide which are commonly known as "red devil" which started on a Friday, Feb. 1 at 11:45 pm. Yes, that is right...not a typo, almost midnight, and I finished around 9:30 pm on Saturday evening.  This allowed me a quick shower before hanging bag number two for another 24 hour cycle ending Sunday. Bag three began Monday with a shower in between and a new port dressing change.  Monday came around with the need for Lasix to help remove the fluid building up in my body.  The fourth bag ended at 10:30 pm Tuesday evening. During all of this, every two hours during the daytime I kept walking the halls of floor 8 with "T- MIKE."  The fifth bag of chemo with a two hour infusion of saline cased with a 30 minute drip of Cytoxan followed with a saline bag.  I was visited by social workers, case workers, Nurse Practitioners, nurses, pharmacists, and the doctor and residents before being discharged for my outpatient portion with which I started this entry.

      After the 6 hours it took for the Rituxan infusion, the side effects for this were weakness and tiredness which left me without being able to keep my walking routine. My weakness made me feel like early in the first quarter the opponent was in the red zone about to score.  With that in mind, it  was time for my first lumbar puncture and intrathecal infusion of Methotrexate, drug seven, but who's counting?

     For the next three weeks, it was time to recover, and after staying the night at the Brent House I moved to my new home away from home which was Aimee's home.  Tanya and Aimee created a chart for all my new medicines that I would be taking for the next six or so months. Medicines included an anti-viral, an anti-bacterial, and an anti-fungal, which was so many pills and so difficult to get my head around how my body was going to be dealing with all these things being done to it.

      My side effects will be showing up next week, and I have two weeks of biweekly blood work at the Oschner's Covington clinic beginning.  I have to look forward to doing round two on Feb. 25. Tanya was able to be by my side for this first round, and I thank her for the detailed notes of this round.  She was my Simon of Cyrene.   

Blog 9 - Treatment Plan

Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things are passing; God only is changeless.

Patience gains all things. Who has God wants nothing. God alone suffices. - St. Teresa of Avila

Maybe the paths that you each shall tread are already laid before your feet, though you do not see them. - Lady Galadriel, J. R. R. Tolkien

     My treatment plan was not the one I wanted, but it is the one I will go through.  After my last hope, for MD Anderson confirmed the same plan as Ochsner's, my options and choices were made.  When I got the word from MD Anderson, the Gospel for that day was the sower of seeds.  I can identify my spiritual life as the seeds falling in all three places. I desire to be the good soil to bear good fruit. I want to do God's will alone in my life, and with all the positive test results coming in, well, it is easier to be that soil.  I felt Him near me and I was faithful. However, when I had to decide on the place to have my treatments done, Houston or NOLA, that is when my faith was in that of rocky soil or the soil among the thorns.  Everything was going so well.  I was going to be alright.  With the news and a decision to be made, I wavered for a moment. I doubted again.  Thought, what I should I do?  When things got tough, well I didn't get going.  I was questioning why was had good results and the girl in Lafayette facing a different medical problem was not.  Other intentions that I offered my pain for were not changing.  Hems and haws and doubts were my fruits which started to remind me that I am acting as the rocky soil.  I need to correct myself.  Jesus, I trust in You needs to be my desire and belief, not just an empty mantra.

     On the 28th of January when I was in the waiting room to place my port in my chest. I saw a video of Father Mike Schmitz's SEEK 19 talk on how we may love Jesus but often nothing changes.  We may love him but we do not make room for Him,  This is what was happening to me. Instead of inviting Him in my heart full of  doubts, I was pushing Jesus out of with my problems and concerns. When you experience the power of God in your life, you need to change and change your mind, heart, and hope.  I am called to be that good seed and say yes to His plan for my life. My will power will fade and feelings will wax and wane.  How soon do I forget! This talk was just what I needed to re-embrace my situation, exactly what I needed to hear.  I inherited this environment, but if I don't change my attitude I will not live the Gospels.  I need to remember the amazing things God has done in my life. I cannot be indifferent. With a humble heart and in my actions, I can act as a witness of the Truth.  I am made strong with His grace, and I will get up again and carry this cross. 

Blog 8 - Beginnings of the fellowship

Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake. If you keep good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul. 

- St. John Bosco

Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. 
- Elrond, J.R.R. Tolkien

     My wife, if you don't know, is an excellent teacher at a Catholic School.  She has her students read The Hobbit or LOTR alternating years most of the time.  Her famous Second Hobbit breakfast activity famously shows her love for JRR Tolkien. She often brings out for her students the Catholic themes that run though these novels. We share that love of these famous works. So, it not very strange that I started thinking of my journey the same as Frodo.  To compare Frodo's journey of being the ring bearer of the one ring to Mount Doom to destroy it to my own journey with cancer came naturally.  Just like Frodo, I was not ready for this responsibility, but like Frodo I was chosen. At the Council of Elrond, Frodo realized that he was destined to be the ring bearer.  It was his burden to carry, and it was also mine.  As he was not alone, neither was I.  Samwise, Frodo's faithful friend, was my wife.  There was never a moment that she was not there helping me on this journey.  Gandalf was my father.  He was there to advise and strive for the best route to complete my journey.  Where Frodo was limited to eight people in his Fellowship.  I had my immediate family but also work companions, St. Pius X church community which included parishioners, TMIY, ACTS, and friends.  

  

     One of the tough things about cancer is the unknown.  That unknown weighs one down just like the ring did to Frodo.  The fog of what is occurring in your body is the cancer re-marching to confront the battle lines.  Will chemotherapy be a weapon and ally, or foe? Cancer makes you think about employment, insurance coverage, deductibles, and the everyday life of the family.

     So far, I am strengthened by my faith and hope that God can make all things new from this disease. I also have my fellowship.  People are constantly informing my wife, messaging me or her with prayers and best wishes, and sending cards about praying for me and offering mass for my health.  This journey is still in its early stage, but the Fellowship of my Cancer is strong.

Blog 7- Trust but verify

When it is all over, you will not regret having suffered; rather you will regret having suffered so little and suffered that little so badly.

— Bl. Sebastian Valfré

"He often used to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great river: its springs were at every doorstep and every path was its tributary. 'It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,' he used to say. 'You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no telling where you might be swept off to.'"-Frodo Baggins, J.R.R. Tolkien

     "Father if you could take this cup from me, but not my will but yours." I pray that I can follow God's will in my life. May I learn from this experience, and grow in faith.  I am holding this cross closely, and embracing it. To feel all of it details. So that I can become familiar with this cross.  Come cross we have work to do.

     Healing service with Fr. Manny, my father, my firstborn, and myself was the first stop before going to NOLA for a bone marrow biopsy, a PET scan, and an ECG to prepare for chemotherapy. St. Thomas More High School had the service planned which was something that I was not going to miss.  Fr. Manny prayed and laid hands on me for my intentions.  I wanted to survive but I also wanted to my father to develop his relationship with God and His church.  I wanted to develop his relationship with the sacraments.  In good time but that was what I prayed for. 

     The first round of tests was the next morning.  Walking into these different procedures gave me time to think.  It was scary but not painful, at least not physically.  The bone biopsy was humbling with two attempts by my Nurse Practitioner.  She did not get quite enough sample in the first scraping.  Sorry, she said but it needs to be longer to get more material.  I was thinking wonderful. You did see that I have lots of cushion and my bottom is not spared.  Well she went in again and the pressure is felt, but more mental anguish.  First test done, Spinal tap and PET scan next.  This was needed to see if the cancer was located anywhere else.  With being such a big person it takes a lot to balance with my arms above my head.  While the test was running, I could not move and of course what your brain wants to do is to move.  Itching was becoming a major problem. Staring up to the light source that is a sky with trees and clouds was calming but the desire to move was overwhelming.  I was saying a rosary in my brain, but with so much temptation to move.  All of the sudden when I thought I was going to move, my cell phone started to ring.  At first I was embarrassed that I forgot to turn it off when I placed it the the nearby chair.   However, I started to wonder who was calling.  Just then five minutes later the test was completed.  I was able to leave and make the all familiar trip across the Pontchartrain Causeway. While on the bridge, I listen to the voicemail.  It was my friend from prayer group.  He was saying that during his morning meditation my name came to his mind.  He wanted to pray with me.  So, being very moved by his offer and believing that God was answering my own prayer to finish that scan without moving, I quickly called him. I shared why he called and I shared why I needed it.  Wow was his response and we said a prayer together with him leading and finishing with his characteristic singing which then, and even now, brings joy to my heart.

    My chemo port is next to put in for preparation. On the positive, the bone marrow and PET scan results were negative. Well that was the good news, and what not so good my lymphoma has a MYC marker.  So, the decision to have R-CHOP or R-EPOCH was still yet to be determined.  However, because of the high replication rate, my oncologist recommends R-EPOCH which is the more intense treatment plan.  So much so that the first round is inpatient in the hospital.  

     So an appointment at MD Anderson to see what their findings and treatment plan.  MD Anderson is at a different level.  It was amazing, but it was not home.  I just felt lost in a large system.  Don't get me wrong, that place was wonderful and gave me wonderful advice.  However, their results were the same as Ochsner's treatment plan.  I was on my way across the lake for another test when my doctor at MD Anderson called and recommended R-EPOCH.  I was not going to have the easier route.  My cross got heavier, but I was not alone.  Jesus, I trust in You.

Blog - 6 Preliminary Diagnosis

Don't lose heart. I have seen you struggle: today's defeat is training for the final victory.                - St. Josemaría Escrivá

Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.

J. R. R. TOLKIEN, The Fellowship of the Ring

What is Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma or Burkitt's Lymphoma?  Non-Hodgkins is the only thing that I recognized.  Waiting patiently for more determined results to determine the specific type of cancer is very difficult. Only thing to do is think, and wait. Ochsner's Pathology was working on finding out how aggressive it is and what strain of Lymphoma I had.  That is important because that determines the treatment plan. So, I have more questions than answers.  Doubts crawled slowly in my mind and heart.  Am I at the right location to be treated? Is this the best place? "Everyone" says to go west, and I am here.  This is not the only time I struggled with anxiety and fear during this journey, but this is where it started. However just as doubts crawled in, a soft wispier in my mind of "Do you trust me?" I would think, yes, but what about this? That reassuring whisper again... "Do you trust me? Sort of, but ," What if they get it wrong? Again, "Do you trust me?  I thought then if I say it and don't believe it what is my faith but empty words. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).

    Two weeks waiting and post operation and then onto the The Gayle and Tom Benson Cancer Center which is Ochsner's Cancer Institute. Celebrating Epiphany is so different this year which is the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi. What gift do I have for the Christ child?  I was embarking on a long journey to follow the light of Christ.  My gift is hope, trust, and soon to be redemptive suffering.   After the post op appointment,  I will be given the results of pathology and the recommended treatment plan by my oncologist at the cancer center.  The primary results indicated Large B-cell Lymphoma.  However, it was difficult for them to genetically identify some of the markers.  This is when I was informed that the MAYO clinic was also analyzing it.

     I went to spend time in Adoration.  Reflecting on the results and how I would be going through this unknown.  It was my personal Exodus. I am writing in this journal of mine which was at first design was for my weight lost journey.  I was struggling and have been all of my life.  I remembered offering this struggle to Jesus to take.  I prayed that I cannot do this alone.  So many times I failed.  Help me with this Lord.  Cancer, is that it?  Will I trade on cross for another?  As it will become not a substitution but a combining.  One that I created and one because of the latter.  I fight obesity and cancer, but with God all things is possible and in His time not mine.

     Every day is a gift from God. We can do nothing without Him. Cancer makes more profound our weaknesses, sins, anxiety, fears, and suffering. All one can do is decide how to respond to a cancer diagnosis.  Fight is prudent and necessary, but more importantly what good can one offer.  I am going to go through it. I have no choice, but what can I offer.  My gift my Lord is redemptive suffering for souls in purgatory, for my family's sanctification, and mostly for a young girl in Lafayette going through her own medical condition and her journey.  Our crosses can be burdensome and may be carried for a long and hard road, but it is worth going through with a purpose beyond the physical. Again enjoy each day for you to give by service to others. Live life well!

Blog 5 - Christmas with cancer

“To pass from sadness to joy requires a birth, a moment of travail and labor, for no one ever mounts to a higher level of life without death to the lower.”  - Ven. Fulton J. Sheen

It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… such a little thing. - Boromir, JRR Tolkien

    The mass was 7.5 centimeters, and now being analyzed in pathology labs at Ochsner's Hospital and the MAYO clinic.  I attended the Christmas mass in Covington, Louisiana at the Discalced Carmelite nuns' chapel. I am on their prayer list and wanted to be in celebration of our Lord's birth with them.  I pray for them and their mission, and I am grateful for their prayers.  I am recovering slowly but happy to be moving around.  It is a very different Christmas this year.  My sister, a nurse, was there to oversee my constant questions and concerns over my healing of my incision. She suggested that since I have time on my hands that I need to find something to work on. So my wife and mother went to the store to buy painting supplies.  Art therapy is what we called it.  I am enjoying my new location because my sister and husband have a large back porch that overlooks a pond which became my sanctuary and an art studio.  Every morning I would wobble from my new bedroom and have coffee looking at the water.  I watched and meditated on God's creation and the grace that was given to me to be able to share in the beauty of His creation.  I grew closer to Him in the wonder of the sounds of birds and nature.  I was so grateful to be alive.  I did not know the future but at this moment all was calm and quiet.  I was at peace.

     I choose a picture of a cypress tree in a swamp which was in the darkness just before dawn was breaking.  I felt it represented my current situation.  Painting nature scenes is the only thing that I paint well. So my choices were limited.  I was in darkness of the night, and was waiting for the dawn.  I completed the first step in this cancer journey and celebrating Christmas season in a very special way, but I still was in a twilight of not knowing.  I finished my painting of the dawn, and really failed at another attempt in another painting.  I was not sure if it was prophetic but the only decent painting was the one of the swamp just before dawn.  So, I put painting with acrylics on hold.       Andrew's thirteenth birthday party was at a restaurant in Covington which was not what was planned. Many people were making sacrifices for my recovery.  My sweet and loving wife was making connections on social media to update my Lafayette community.  Many blessings from phone calls, texts, prayers, masses offered, and meals have been offered for myself and more importantly my wife and children.  The love outpouring from the St. Pius X community is humbling, and the quilt from the Quilt Ministry gave me a tangible object to hold and cover myself with the prayers and love from a community which I so desperately missed.   

      Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers. - Romans 12:9-13

    The Word was with God and the Word was God. This was becoming so much more apparent in my life.  I so took my faith for granted.  My eyes have been open. I have for so long been in a lukewarm haze. The Holy Spirit sent a small kindling of a flame in my soul.  Renew my faith, renew my prayer life, renew my hope, renew my desire for You, Christ. Let me never be apart from You.  May I be your voice, hands, and feet to the world. 

Blog 4- Removal of the tumor

...do not be afraid, for I am with you; stop being anxious and watchful, for I am your God. I give you strength. I bring you help. I uphold you with my victorious right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring  

     I felt really confident and comfortable with the surgical oncologist at Ochsner Hospital. He was very nice and his hair reminded me of Einstein. Yes, very superficial, but he was confident and seemed to be caring.  So, I decided to have my operation to remove the mass on my lower small intestine at Ochsner's Main Campus on Jefferson Hwy.  He told me in his opinion that it was most likely Lymphoma and he wanted to get it out as soon as possible.  His intern was with us after my soon to be surgeon left for his next appointment. The intern said that the doctor's schedule nurse would be in soon to schedule, but he was thinking it would be after the new year.  However, to everyone's surprise, yes I had an entourage, my surgery would be a few days before Christmas.  Wow, this must be serious was my first thought.  It was also comforting that just maybe someone else had a hand in clearing schedules.  Wink- wink. Jesus, I trust in You which was the recurring prayer on my mind daily at this point. So it was determined that the Advent season of 2018 would be capped with my first major surgery and the beginning of my cancer journey.
     The procedure was the just before Christmas. So, my birthday for Jesus was my total trust in Him during this surgery. I requested the Anointing of the Sick  from our Parochial Vicar at St. Pius X. This was my first time receiving this sacrament.  After I went to Adoration for time with Jesus which was the time I wrote my letters to my loved ones.  After just getting back from NOLA, I got packed, got the Anointing of the Sick, and an hour of Adoration in before my quick return to my childhood home, New Orleans. A place often said by many a great place to visit but would not want to live there, but for the people that were born and live there it is different.  It is our home, and even if you leave NOLA, she will always whisper to you to come home. So, I was ready spiritually and maybe even physically.  I was able to give totally my prideful perceived control to My Lord whom is the Author of Life.

     The procedure was done and I was grateful to God for His many blessings.  This was the beginning of others helping to lift some of the burden of my current cross.  The surgical team was first to help. They were wonderful in the holding the cross for some time when I was under sedation.  However, in the recovery room, the reality of the full weight of my cross was returned for me to carry.  The reality of the road of recovery was there for me to begin.  I was not alone on this road, and many were walking with me.  First, I felt that my Lord, who was always with me, was closer than ever before.  Secondly, my family and friends, my caregivers, were there for me during my recovery in the hospital. Thirdly, the nurses on the gastrointestinal floor which was the location of my room for recovery aided as well.  I encountered the most amazing nurses in my recovery.  They instructed me in the process of fasting to move into gradually moving into in-taking food. Also in my breathing exercises.  It was very humbling to have other people helping me in doing things that were second nature before and having others view me in this weakness and to understand the true meaning of charity.  I needed help, even moving to the restroom was painful, physically and mentally, by giving up that modesty, which was so uncomfortable   I was told that my breathing exercises were very important and that my first bowel movement was crucial to my hospital release.  Flashbacks of "potty training" when I was able to inform my nurse that it happened.  I was able to be released the morning of Christmas Eve.

      The long ride over the Pontchartrain Causeway was a good reflection to what I just went trough.  I was able to meet the priest that visits the hospital, and speak to spiritual companions as well, I was informed of all the prayers from family and the St. Pius X church men and women of some I knew and others I had not. This quiet time to reflect with only the rhythmic sound of the tires on the bridge was necessary to prepare me for my new home away from home.  This home was my sister and brother-in-law's new home which was only recently moved in.  For this was my new reality. I will be living here for my recovery.  How long I would be here was not known at the time, but only time and the results of the biopsy would tell. 

Blog 3 - Companions for the Journey

With every day that passes, I grow more and more convinced how ugly the world is, of how much suffering there is, and, unfortunately, of how it is the good who suffer the most. Meanwhile, we who have been given so many of God’s blessings have repaid Him poorly. This is an awful reality that racks my brain; while I’m studying, every so often I ask myself: will I continue on the right path? Will I have the strength to persevere all the way? In the face of this pang of doubt, the faith given to me in Baptism reassures me of this: by yourself, you will accomplish nothing, but if you place God at the center of all your actions, then you will reach the goal. -Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati

“You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin – to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours – closer than you yourself keep it. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo. Anyway: there it is. We know most of what Gandalf has told you. We know a good deal about the ring. We are horribly afraid–but we are coming with you; or following you like hounds.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

If the Cardinal virtues are my tools that I may need, well my companions are the Theological virtues which are Faith, Hope and Charity.  Faith is your belief in God and your total gift of yourself to Him the creator. Hope is the desire to be in communion with God--the desire to love Him and know Him which is the development of trust in Him and His seeking your heart. The next theological virtual is the greatest which is Charity.  Charity encompasses the greatest of commandments to love God with all your heart, mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself.  Yes that is greatest and yet at times the hardest because you have to fight pride and humble yourself.  Well let me tell you if you ever went in for a surgical procedure or have been hospitalized for sometime, you become very humble quickly.  I had an appointment to see a local surgical oncologist but once my parents were informed, mostly my father, I quickly had an appointment with the Head of the surgical department at Ochsner's Hospital in New Orleans.  I decided that since the first appointment locally was after the one at Ochsner that I would go to both and then make a decision.  Ochsner Hospital was very familiar to me. It was the major place where my loved ones went for all operations and major medical issues. You see I am from the greater New Orleans area. I currently live in Lafayette, Louisiana since graduating from University of Louisiana, Lafayette. So going to my childhood home town was comforting. It was a familiar feeling in a time that was nothing but internal turbulence.  So before leaving for New Orleans, I went to the one place of peace for me.  I spent some time in Eucharistic Adoration. I gave all my anxiety to Him, and wrote a letter in my journal to my loved ones.

    Jesus I am calm but scared at the same time.  I don't know if my life has followed God's will or what He created me to do.  I feel unworthy, but I know that my worth is based on my Baptism as a son of the Father.  I desire to overcome my many faults and sins that I struggle with and often cling to, and make efforts to make my life a testament to your love for me.  May my response to this cross be an example of my love and faith for You.  I have felt You with me my whole life. Every time I fell in sin, You were there to help me up. So during this time of unknown, I will lean on You again. I offer the other side of my cross to carry with me as Simon helped You.  Jesus, I trust in You.  My hope is in your mercy.  You gave us your church for the sacraments for our sanctification.  I am grateful for this and could not do this with out them.  I will walk this journey with this cross with You where every it leads me. May I use this experience to become closer to Your Mother and to Your Most Sacred Heart, My dear Jesus. I trust in You.  

    My Dear Tanya, You have made my life complete.  When I met you in college our Freshman year you were not dating me, but at mass which you and I attended, I prayed to Mary if you could be my wife one day. She must have asked Jesus to answer this request as you know.  You have, and will always, made me happy that you and I made a covenant with God in marriage. Life has given us lots of for better or worse but I would never trade it for the world.  We have two wonderful sons together.  Please remember that my heart is for our God, but our love has been the manifestation of the love of the divine with our humanity. I pray for you always for your sanctification with our sons because that is my vocation of your husband and father of our boys. If God gives me more time, we will continue to grow spiritually and hopefully physically healthier. Our boys need our guidance, so we need to be there for them.  With God's will I will be there to help.  Our future is for Him. I love you always.  

    Gabriel,I know a push you and demand lots from you. It may feel that I don't care about your feelings, but it is because I want you to be the best version of yourself, and I realize more than ever that life is short. Do not live with regrets, and live your life in the way God intended for you to become. If it is for the married life, please be a better father than I.  I hope you become a nurse that can help people when they are most in need.  I have a very important job for you. You, as the firstborn, will have the responsibility to take care of your mother and brother if God calls me home.  This is why I want the best out of you because you will responsible for what is most precious to me. You see we do not know the hour or the day, and when you are young you always think you have more time. 

     Andrew,I want the best for you as well. I always believed you would be my priest. If it is your call, understand that you have my prayers and support. Whatever is your vocation, try your best to do God's will in your life.  Be strong for your mother and brother, and be like your namesake and make sure to bring your brother to the Lord if he strays.  Live life with passion and purpose.  

   Boys, I hope you both realize that you both are my crowning accomplishment in my life. My family is my love and my life's purpose.  Give all of yourselves to God's world and be humble servants. God has a plan for both of you. Listen to His call and say yes.  I love you both very much and you all make me very proud to be your father.

     These were my journal entries from Adoration that day. I was preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.  Now I am ready for the next step.
   

Blog 2 - Packing Supplies

“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.” - Mother St. Teresa of Calcutta 

“'Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens,'said Gimli.
'Maybe,' said Elrond, 'but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall.” 
      - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

    Virtues are the best supplies to have with you on a journey such as this.  First is Prudence which is  practical common sense. You need a clear mind free of emotions to make clear decisions. This virtue will be tested often, and one that I have not mastered. However, of all the virtues this is my strongest. Second virtue is Justice, the virtue that seeks to promote fair play.  Justice will come into play not as much for myself  but for all of the care givers that soon will be a major part of my life. Temperance and Fortitude will be called upon more than any other virtues. I will need to keep my life balanced and to persevere during this journey. I struggle with these two the most, but need them more than ever during this time. Temperance was always a challenge for me.  Moderation, voluntary self-restraint or asceticism, were very foreign to my daily practice.  Can one practice  temperance and be obese?  I have fought weight gain since I was a child.  I lost and gained more weight during my lifetime than I care to admit.  It has been a cross that I fasten myself. This cross I have been carrying since adolescence has shaped my life.  It has molded my personality both physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It probably is a main factor in my medical condition that I find myself.  As temperance is my weakness, it will be fortitude that will be needed of all the virtues which will be required for my life now on.  I will need the ability to persevere in times of trial and tribulation that soon will be my first major surgery.

     What more does one need in the time of crisis?  Practice these virtues before they are needed the most. Before the darkness of a crisis.  All those wasted penitent times of the liturgical year of our Catholic Church were lukewarmly followed.   Lent is an opportunity to exercise and grow in virtue The time was provided for me to practice and develop these virtues, and I did not give all that was required to strengthen the desperate virtues for my trying time.

     In October of 2018, I enjoyed a movie at the theater by myself, and because of that fact I did not want to leave for the restroom during the film.  After the film was over, hurried to the restroom with difficulty I finished and left with thinking that I may need to see my urologist.  The problem of flow is common for men at my age, and it was nothing different from the last visit to the urologist. So, I placed that thought out of my mind.  However, I the next week after I began to have pain in my groin area.  I want to see my GP that Friday of the beginning of the pain, and we tested to for a UTI.  The test came out negative for an infection.  So she recommended that I should visit the Urologist.  The Urologist determined that my prostate has not changed since the last visit and my PSA were still in a normal range.  He could only recommend a biopsy which he explained had risk.  Since he could not attribute the pain I was experiencing to my prostate, I made the appointment for a biopsy in May of 2019.  The pain went away. No harm no foul, I guess.  After several weeks of no pain, I started to notice that I had a pain in my intestine about fifteen minutes after eating.  I was very familiar with most abdominal pain that I had in my life, but this felt different. It seemed out of the normal. I took mental notes of the feelings and times.   However, this abdominal pain started to manifest when I moved on my side at night in bed.  This was a red alert for me which led me once again to my GP.  I had signs of possible  diverticulosis or diverticulitis.  Since I did not exhibit many symptoms, she quickly order a CT-scan. The CT-scan was on December 7th and by the 11th I was called in my GP for the results with possible Lymphoma or carcinoma. Again that is the reason my doctor warned me not to start using the internet.  She wanted me to get more information before making assumptions.

     It was time to prepare for a journey that no one freely accepts an invitation to join.  I was ready to accept the new cross that I was given.  I accepted that my life will be very different and maybe shortened, but it was not my life to lose or save. My life was His not mine. So whatever was about to happen, it was out of my control.  I tried to focus on how I can use this for God's will. What purpose can I bring out of this? Redemptive suffering is the first thing that came to mine. I will unite my suffering with that of Christ.

Blog 1 - Pushed out of the door

"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord and our hearts is restless until it finds rest in Thee" - St. Augustine

"Darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer." - Samwise Gamgee, J.R.R. Tolkien

       After the usual wait for my general practitioner to enter the exam room, she read my report of the CT scan that she ordered the week before.  I have been with the same doctor for more than 30 years.  She is more to me than just a physician but a confidant in my physical and spiritual well being. She began reading the report but the only thing that I heard was a mass was located on my small intestine. Everything after that point was really just ignored. I was numbed to this new reality that was given to me.  My heart rate jumped as if I started to exercise. The thought of out running at this news came to mind, but the reality of the severity of this kept me from moving. I was frozen in this time of before the walking into this room and the reality of when I will be leaving this room.  I was alone with my doctor, but my wife and boys come to my mind and heart. 

     My doctor knowing my personality asked me not to use the internet to further investigate the possible reasons for the mass. She was explaining the possibilities when my oldest son started to try calling in. He was on semester break from his freshman year at college. My wife apparently texted him to meet me at the doctor's office.  After two failed attempts to get me to answer, I gave him the quick standard reply "I can't talk right now."  

    This meeting was the least amount of interaction we had during an appointment. Granted it was just a follow up appointment to discuss the results but it was amazingly somber. The normal conversations were being avoided. Just the facts were given to me. The doctor then left the room to get a referral for a surgical oncologist.  I know that word oncologist, and the thought dropped to the depth of my soul.  I have cancer.

     My appointment concluded with a business card with an unknown  doctor's name on it.  I took the card of the person that would be pivotal to my future healthcare. That hallway from that office room was very normal but at this moment it felt long and dark.  I was leaving the past to a unknown future. At this time my life has changed forever. "Then satan answered the LORD and said, “Is it for nothing that Job is God-fearing? Have you not surrounded him and his family and all that he has with your protection? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his livestock are spread over the land.  But now put forth your hand and touch all that he has, and surely he will curse you to your face.” - Job 1:9-11

     After the opening the door to the waiting room, my son was there waiting for me.  I walked to him as a mindless robot, and told him news that I would have preferred not to ever needed to share with him.  I told him that a mass was found on my intestines.  I saw a facial expression and look that will soon be so familiar. I look of disbelief and bewilderment.  We shared that moment of father and son in shock, distress, and helplessness.  We walked to our separate vehicles in the parking lot. We shared an embrace, and I told him to go back home everything will be fine.  I watched as he moved toward his truck as I moved to my car. I watched him get in, and I entered my own. I sat down behind my wheel and for the first time a tear began to roll down my check. Through watery eyes, I texted my wife. I knew she would be teaching and that she would not be able to speak with me until I her planning period, but I left the message that I love her and that I am scheduled to see a surgical oncologist. I could not put anything more.  I then put the car in reverse, to make my way to work.