"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord and our hearts is restless until it finds rest in Thee" - St. Augustine
"Darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer." - Samwise Gamgee, J.R.R. Tolkien
After the usual wait for my general practitioner to enter the exam room, she read my report of the CT scan that she ordered the week before. I have been with the same doctor for more than 30 years. She is more to me than just a physician but a confidant in my physical and spiritual well being. She began reading the report but the only thing that I heard was a mass was located on my small intestine. Everything after that point was really just ignored. I was numbed to this new reality that was given to me. My heart rate jumped as if I started to exercise. The thought of out running at this news came to mind, but the reality of the severity of this kept me from moving. I was frozen in this time of before the walking into this room and the reality of when I will be leaving this room. I was alone with my doctor, but my wife and boys come to my mind and heart.
My doctor knowing my personality asked me not to use the internet to further investigate the possible reasons for the mass. She was explaining the possibilities when my oldest son started to try calling in. He was on semester break from his freshman year at college. My wife apparently texted him to meet me at the doctor's office. After two failed attempts to get me to answer, I gave him the quick standard reply "I can't talk right now."
This meeting was the least amount of interaction we had during an appointment. Granted it was just a follow up appointment to discuss the results but it was amazingly somber. The normal conversations were being avoided. Just the facts were given to me. The doctor then left the room to get a referral for a surgical oncologist. I know that word oncologist, and the thought dropped to the depth of my soul. I have cancer.
My appointment concluded with a business card with an unknown doctor's name on it. I took the card of the person that would be pivotal to my future healthcare. That hallway from that office room was very normal but at this moment it felt long and dark. I was leaving the past to a unknown future. At this time my life has changed forever. "Then satan answered the LORD and said, “Is it for nothing that Job is God-fearing? Have you not surrounded him and his family and all that he has with your protection? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his livestock are spread over the land. But now put forth your hand and touch all that he has, and surely he will curse you to your face.” - Job 1:9-11
After the opening the door to the waiting room, my son was there waiting for me. I walked to him as a mindless robot, and told him news that I would have preferred not to ever needed to share with him. I told him that a mass was found on my intestines. I saw a facial expression and look that will soon be so familiar. I look of disbelief and bewilderment. We shared that moment of father and son in shock, distress, and helplessness. We walked to our separate vehicles in the parking lot. We shared an embrace, and I told him to go back home everything will be fine. I watched as he moved toward his truck as I moved to my car. I watched him get in, and I entered my own. I sat down behind my wheel and for the first time a tear began to roll down my check. Through watery eyes, I texted my wife. I knew she would be teaching and that she would not be able to speak with me until I her planning period, but I left the message that I love her and that I am scheduled to see a surgical oncologist. I could not put anything more. I then put the car in reverse, to make my way to work.
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