“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.” - Mother St. Teresa of Calcutta
“'Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens,'said Gimli.
'Maybe,' said Elrond, 'but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall.”
- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Virtues are the best supplies to have with you on a journey such as this. First is Prudence which is practical common sense. You need a clear mind free of emotions to make clear decisions. This virtue will be tested often, and one that I have not mastered. However, of all the virtues this is my strongest. Second virtue is Justice, the virtue that seeks to promote fair play. Justice will come into play not as much for myself but for all of the care givers that soon will be a major part of my life. Temperance and Fortitude will be called upon more than any other virtues. I will need to keep my life balanced and to persevere during this journey. I struggle with these two the most, but need them more than ever during this time. Temperance was always a challenge for me. Moderation, voluntary self-restraint or asceticism, were very foreign to my daily practice. Can one practice temperance and be obese? I have fought weight gain since I was a child. I lost and gained more weight during my lifetime than I care to admit. It has been a cross that I fasten myself. This cross I have been carrying since adolescence has shaped my life. It has molded my personality both physically, emotionally and spiritually. It probably is a main factor in my medical condition that I find myself. As temperance is my weakness, it will be fortitude that will be needed of all the virtues which will be required for my life now on. I will need the ability to persevere in times of trial and tribulation that soon will be my first major surgery.
What more does one need in the time of crisis? Practice these virtues before they are needed the most. Before the darkness of a crisis. All those wasted penitent times of the liturgical year of our Catholic Church were lukewarmly followed. Lent is an opportunity to exercise and grow in virtue The time was provided for me to practice and develop these virtues, and I did not give all that was required to strengthen the desperate virtues for my trying time.
In October of 2018, I enjoyed a movie at the theater by myself, and because of that fact I did not want to leave for the restroom during the film. After the film was over, hurried to the restroom with difficulty I finished and left with thinking that I may need to see my urologist. The problem of flow is common for men at my age, and it was nothing different from the last visit to the urologist. So, I placed that thought out of my mind. However, I the next week after I began to have pain in my groin area. I want to see my GP that Friday of the beginning of the pain, and we tested to for a UTI. The test came out negative for an infection. So she recommended that I should visit the Urologist. The Urologist determined that my prostate has not changed since the last visit and my PSA were still in a normal range. He could only recommend a biopsy which he explained had risk. Since he could not attribute the pain I was experiencing to my prostate, I made the appointment for a biopsy in May of 2019. The pain went away. No harm no foul, I guess. After several weeks of no pain, I started to notice that I had a pain in my intestine about fifteen minutes after eating. I was very familiar with most abdominal pain that I had in my life, but this felt different. It seemed out of the normal. I took mental notes of the feelings and times. However, this abdominal pain started to manifest when I moved on my side at night in bed. This was a red alert for me which led me once again to my GP. I had signs of possible diverticulosis or diverticulitis. Since I did not exhibit many symptoms, she quickly order a CT-scan. The CT-scan was on December 7th and by the 11th I was called in my GP for the results with possible Lymphoma or carcinoma. Again that is the reason my doctor warned me not to start using the internet. She wanted me to get more information before making assumptions.
It was time to prepare for a journey that no one freely accepts an invitation to join. I was ready to accept the new cross that I was given. I accepted that my life will be very different and maybe shortened, but it was not my life to lose or save. My life was His not mine. So whatever was about to happen, it was out of my control. I tried to focus on how I can use this for God's will. What purpose can I bring out of this? Redemptive suffering is the first thing that came to mine. I will unite my suffering with that of Christ.
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